smrter writing, plz

My Seven Dirty Words...

Following a link from our elders over at Debatables I went ahead and found out the "rating" of our humble blog. And what do we see?





We received a rating of NC-17, thanks to the use of the following dirty words, which are frowned upon by this organization.

5 instances of the word "fucking" (make that six...)
3 instances of "asshole" (now four...)
2 instances of "fuck" (which really means we said "fuck" eight times...but now ten)
And Finally, one use of the word "piss" (I feel we're truly shortchanging "piss" here, and should use it more regularly).

I wonder what this picture will do to our rating:



Keep up the good work ladies and gents.

The Not-So Handy Delivery

For years, Handy Delivery Taxi Company was the only mode of transportation for inebriated co-eds looking for a ride on their way to a hot night on the town. Their unchallenged monopoly on a field that primarily catered to drunken degenerates undoubtedly led them to care very little about the concept of "customer service." That, coupled with the fact that they seem to exclusively hire the very same drunken degenerates as drivers, leads to a very poor experience for those of us who have had the (dis)pleasure of patronizing this terrible business.

In the social sciences, we concern ourselves with scouring the landscape for a variety of "social facts" about the world. And in honor of Rusty Pipes, I'm going to dub this one the "Iron Law of Handy Delivery." The Law--rooted in vigorous empirical observation and tests--affirms everyone's sneaking suspicions: Handy Delivery Taxi, in fact, sucks. All of those who have utilized its services has a Handy Delivery Horror Story (HDHS), and all of them seem too ridiculous too be true ("Hey...remember the time our driver asked us if we liked kiddie porn chat sites, and the awkward silence and early departure from the cab that followed?"). But the experience of the writers of SC Soapbox over homecoming weekend may top all of the HDHSs. Let me paint you a picture:

Our driver--a 50-something year old man who has read far too many science fiction books and currently resides in his mother's basement--was at the heart of the problem.
For purposes of anonymity (and purposes of my shitty memory), we'll call this guy Ralph. Here is a composite sketch of Ralph trying to find online love in his mother's basement--and to answer your burning question: yes, the real Ralph is equally as creepy as that guy.

Like all HDHSs, ours started wonderfully, as we piled into the beat-down HD van on our way to what we hoped would be a delightfully trashy evening at everyone's favorite night club. This, of course, all changed.

It began on North Atherton, as the six of us excitedly chatted about our evening prospects and made fun of Rusty Pipe's flowing gold locks. Perhaps we were being a bit loud, but what would you expect as a cab driver who carts around drunk college kids? The way I see it, if the driver needed quiet for some reason, he could have tried two approaches:

1. "Hey guys, I have to make a call to one of my drivers real quick, would you mind quieting down for a quick second while I make this call, please? I really appreciate it"

2. Ignore the clientele and make the call to a fellow driver, telling said driver: "I'm sorry, I can't hear you because I have a bunch of assholes in here who don't realize that they're only a foot away from one another."

He, as you probably guessed, chose option 2. This, of course, led to an awkward silence that fell over the van as we all exchanged "oh no he di'nt" glances. To his credit, I'm going to guess our friend Ralph has never taken an Intro Economics or Business class--if he had, he may have seen the error in insulting those responsible for tipping him.

But it's not over, folks. No ... Ralph had much more to offer.

Next on Ralph's socially awkward agenda was a twenty minute tirade, defending the rights of drunk drivers to hoist their keys in triumph, drive down the street at speeds exceeding the speed limit, and mow over any innocent individuals that happen to be crossing the road. After we informed the driver we, in fact, had friends who have been innocent victims of asshole drunk drivers, he continued by telling us why our friends were all-too deserving of their fate. Apparently Ralph is a card carrying member of DDU (Drunk Drivers United), and feels he has to fight for the inalienable rights of the socially stigmatized group--but again, perhaps not the right place nor time for such a tirade. If Ralph had the resources to be a politician, his motto might be something along the lines of: "Fuck Everyone. Get Wasted and Smash People Up. It's Your Right as an American."

Final Score: Ralph: 2, Non-offensive and pleasurable cab ride: 0.

So to all of those who have countless of HDHSs just like this one (or, worse), do something. Mobilize. Bitch to your local government organization. Refuse to patronize Handy Delivery, and instead use D & S Taxi (besides, they have the cute yellow cabs, which makes your experience that much more authentic).


And now for the rundown (as if it were even necessary):

Service: Handy Delivery thinks they own State College. When you call, expect the dispatcher to be rude. Do not expect them to say anything like "Certainly, we will be there in about 15 minutes! Have a safe and pleasant evening!" No. Not at all. Instead expect this: "What do you want? ... Oh, a Cab? ... Well where are you? ... I dont know where that is ... All right, fine, it will be there in a while" *Click*." Oh, and if you call back asking for an ETA, they will castrate you.

Food: This place does not serve food. Thank god. But rest assured, if it did, you would not want to eat it, and it would taste distinctly of cigarette ash and urine.

Facilities: Once again, Handy Delivery has enjoyed their reign as the only cab company in State College (until recently), and their cabs reflect this. For the most part, their cabs are shitty vans, or converted 1986 Ford Tempos (see above) that reek of booze and cigarette smoke. After a night of hard drinking, you often step into an HD cab and wonder "who is more drunk? me? Or the driver?" It's a fun game to play as you pass time and await your destination.

Atmosphere: In the words of Dane Cook, "remember the time daddy hit mommy at the dinner table?" Regardless of what happens, that's what your ride will feel like. It will begin jovial enough, but as soon as the driver makes a ridiculous comment (whether he is supporting drunk driving or talking about how much he loves child porn) your ride will become silent and awkward. Fast. 5 minutes into the ride you will want nothing more than to ask for a stop at the nearest ATM and walk the remaining 14 blocks.

Attractiveness of the Staff: Need i say more?


Final Grade: F-. Avoid at all costs.

The Fraser Street Tuna Melt Throwdown

A tuna melt. But not one made at Fraser Street Deli.

Is the Fraser Street Deli's Tuna Melt the best in State College? Is it now a mere percentage (and not a high one, no) of its former whole? Or, perhaps most dangerously, was it never even good? Were the taste buds of many fooled by the words "best tuna melt in town!" written so innocently on the FSD menu?

Discuss.

Breakfast, State College style

Awesome.

Is there any meal more agreeable than breakfast? Is there anything better than a cup of coffee, eggs, and home-fries after a night of heavy drinking and during a morning of hang-over?

Those are rhetorical questions, by the way. This shit ain’t up for debate.

Unlike the other meals in State College, breakfast is almost always an enjoyable restaurant experience. Service is generally top notch, the food is good (it’s pretty tough to fuck up an omelet or eggs over-easy), and there are plenty of places to go.

According to Wikipedia (my go-to source for everything in life), however,

The erosion of breakfast has been an ongoing trend in the West since at least the early 20th century, coinciding with later waking times than when most Westerners had agricultural occupations. Today, hampered by busy morning schedules, many neglect breakfast or skip it entirely. This trend now exists in industrialized nations worldwide, where it is accompanied frequently by replacing local breakfast traditions with modern Western-style foods, often packaged or pre-made.

Unacceptable. I’m not saying I have a full, sumptuous breakfast every day, but I try to, dammit. Breakfast is necessary, and this packaged and pre-made shit doesn’t cut it, either. If you don’t have much time in the morning, I recommend buying or (preferably) finding a significant other who has one of these:

An explosion of taste in just 2 minutes

And despite what you might hear about eggs being dangerous for your health, it’s just not true. This website I found after a 5 second google search proves it.

You may note, at this point, that I equate breakfast with eggs. Well, yes. I’ll let pancakes, waffles, bagels (but ONLY with cream cheese), oatmeal, and sugary cereal count, too, but as for me – there must be some shelled nugget of goodness that came from a chicken's posterior.

Anyway, where does one go in State College to get breakfast? Here are my suggestions – but I’m always open to trying new places, so if anyone has a recommendation, leave it in the comments.

The Waffle Shop (3 locations)

Service: Excellent. Every weekend, these restaurants are packed. The lines stretch outside into the parking lot. And yet the wait is never more than 20 minutes. The waitresses (I’ve never had a waiter. Maybe they’re sexist?) waste no time, but they don’t rush you out the door, either. Coffee is served immediately, orders are taken quickly, and the food comes within 10 minutes – no matter how busy it is.

On the downside, they don’t take credit or check cards. Sometimes the home fries are not made well-done (*highly* recommended), even when I order them that way. Only the downtown location has a smoking section, and even then it’s smoke-free on the weekends. Of course, that’s not necessarily a downer.

Food: Standard breakfast fare, all made well. Prices are not too high, and the weekday specials are pretty good. Superior home-fries, solid omelets, etc.

Facilities: Clean, always stocked. A friend even tells me that, at one time, hangover vomiting went off without a hitch (you know who you are).

Atmosphere: Like an upscale Denny’s or IHOP, although the downtown location is a tad more grungy. Still, it’s always clean. Oh, and there are some weird paintings on the walls - good for sparking high brow, what-the-fuck-is-that? discussions.

Attractiveness of Clientele and Staff: On football weekends, the places are overrun with alumni and family – so not ugly, but not really attractive with the occasional gold-star individual. The downtown location during the week, however, does provide some eye-candy. The staff tends to be youngish (late high-school) but also has your old, grizzled waitress types. They serve well, but only in the restaurant business.

Summary: Rock solid place. My preference is for downtown during the week, the Atherton and Blue Course locations on the weekend. Wish they were open past 3:00pm.

The Corner Room

Service: One small step below excellent. Food comes quickly, as does the coffee, and the staff is obviously veteran.

Food: Nothing spectacular, but nothing bad, either. Home-fries are OK, but nothing close to the Waffle Shop variety. Breakfast wrap is decent. Early Bird special (weekdays, before 11am) is a fantastic deal for the price (2 eggs, home-fries, and toast for 2.25).

Atmosphere: The best word I can think of is comfortable. It’s not upscale, but not dingy. Nothing fancy, and just a bit old-fashioned.

Facilities: Can’t say I’ve ever relieved myself here (nor most places – I’m a camel, and I’m too lazy to leave the table once I’ve sat down), but I would assume they’re fine. The g/f says they’re good, but that it’s annoying to go up stairs to get to them.

Attractiveness of Clientele and Staff: Um, not so high. The hostesses in the morning tend to be female versions of the Wal-Mart greeter dudes – nice, but not something you’d touch that early in the morning, unless you’ve had a few of the Corner Room’s bloody maries!

Summary: Again, rock solid. I prefer the Waffle Shop’s dishes, but the Corner Room has a leg-up on pricing and location (College and Allen, can’t beat it).

Waffles and Cakes

Service: I admit to only having gone here once, but the service was good. There were hardly any other customers that day, though, so I can’t say fo’ real.

Food: Excellent variety, some dishes that don’t appear on the menu of the Waffle Shop or the Corner Room.

Atmosphere: Cool, diner-esque feel. Quirky coffee mugs a bonus. Potential for dirty trucker types is, I fear, high. Still, be a man (or woman) of the people! Mingle! Feel smug while pretending to have a connection with the masses!

Facilities: Again, didn’t use them.

Attractiveness of Clientele and Staff: Some really young ones working here, as I assume it’s at least partially a family establishment. In a few years though, there’s some serious potential.

Summary: I need to go again, but it’s out of the way by quite a bit (go down West College, past the mall). Go here if you want to get away from the crowds and if you tire of the offerings downtown.

Oh, and by the way: If you're in a hurry, Sheetz has amazing egg sandwiches. But then again, what at Sheetz isn’t amazing?

Local Bowling Alley Serves up a Strike.

Being new to State College, I've been a little weary of passing judgement on local businesses too quickly. But then I realized that it's my patriotic duty as a grad student.

I don't know what everyone thinks of bowling, but personally, I like it. It's fun, easy, competitive, and most importantly, it supports binge drinking. I'm not sure how many people have read Andrew Hurley's Diners, Bowling Alleys and Trailer Parks: Chasing the American Dream in the Postwar Consumer Culture. I for one have not. But I assume it says great things about bowling alleys. I have been to more than my fair share of bowling alleys, and most of them are at least adequate, if not outstanding.

So, a few weekends ago I headed on out to Northland Bowling to give it a try. I found it met my basic needs quite well. There were lanes. There were pins. There were balls. And there was beer. That made for a good start to the evening.

Service:
We arrived pretty early, about 9, which I would recommend because it did fill up by the end of the evening. We got a lane immediately.

Food:
They have food. I'm sure it's typical overpriced, sub-par bowling alley food, but you shouldn't go to a bowling alley expecting any better.

Facilities:
The facilities were suitable. At least on par with other bowling alleys. I'm sure they weren't spectacular, but I didn't notice anything.

Atmosphere:
If bowling wasn't enough, they did have TV's by the screens with your scores on them, an arcade, pool tables, etc. Standard bowling alley stuff.

Attractiveness of Clientele and Staff:
It's a bowling alley! Nothing against bowling alley employees and typical bowling alley regulars, but they're no Vana White's. It came as a welcomed change however, because this made me one of the more attractive people in the room. Maybe that's a bit optimistic. But come on, everyone should slum it now and then, and what better place to do it than at a bowling alley?

Ok, so basically Northland Bowling is a bowling alley. I like bowling alleys. Therefore, I like Northland Bowling. It's a simple argument.

Links Pub and Cafe - Second Only to Champs Sports Grill in Customer Contempt

The Story: When you walk into a sports bar on a Sunday afternoon during a football game that garners a lot of regional attention and they only have three people running the entire establishment, just leave. Having said that, perhaps we can say that we share some of the blame in our sub-par dining experience at the Links Pub and Café (pun intended)

In defense of Links, the waitress did warn us about ten minutes into our experience that she was the only waitress working and that there would be a lag in service. Fair enough, only she did not warn us that she was the only decent human being among the staff trinity. My beef is not with the waitress, but rather with the State College High School drop-out that was manning the kitchen and the eunuch-manager.

Our food arrived over an hour after we ordered it, as expected, although we did not expect that they would leave my meal out entirely. This omission was pointed out to the person who brought our food from the kitchen, and about five minutes after that our waitress assured us that my food was on its way. About five minutes after that the manger (who we shall call the douche-bag-cock-monster, or DBCM for short) was at our table over another matter and I asked him what the eta on my food was. His response: “You ordered something?” Upon returning from the kitchen, DBCM apologized (and I use that word loosely) and explained that my garden burger was left in the MICROWAVE by accident. Suddenly I forgot how long we had waited for that food, or even that they forgot my food, and focused on the word microwave (okay, I realize that we’re not at Le Cirque, but a microwave? Seriously?).

He said that my garden burger would be out shortly. I sat for about five minutes and wondered why I was about to pay eight dollars for a microwaved garden burger that took over an hour and a half to make and that I had to ask for twice (that’s right, DBCM didn’t even offer to comp it). Fueled by rage, I decided to take the not-so-short walk downtown for food. I told DBCM to cancel my order and I asked him if I could at least get my diet coke for free. He sneered and responded, “Yea, sure, see ya.”

The bottom line: Eating at Links Pub and Cafe is like taking a punch in the asshole... never a good idea.

Service: The waitress should quit and find a better venue for her talents. DBCM and the drop-out, on the other hand, should eat my asshole.

Food: I wouldn’t know, but from what I heard the food was not worth purgatory. Besides, not only do they use a microwave, but they’re not even too ashamed to tell you about it.

Facilities: Besides the waitress, the bathroom was Links’ only redeeming quality. Clean and spacious.

Atmosphere: This place has no character. They do have two large televisions and plenty of small ones, but other than that this place looks like an H&R BLOCK office that was converted into a restaurant.

Attractiveness of Clientele and Staff: It’s hard to say what kind of people frequent this joint given that this was our first experience. If you’re looking to pick up women, don’t bother. Links is an all-around sausage party. Given that an Eagles game was on today, Links was full of rude, smelly , greasy, sleeveless-shirt-wearing missing-links from eastern PA/Jersey.